You are the single most evil thing in my life. So evil. But I still love you. I hate to admit it, even to myself. But there I said it, you make me crazy. With every mean thing you say you break my heart into a billion pieces. Then you trample on those pieces with the boots of your indifference. I feel strong hatred. Not for you, but myself. For I know, that I will go running to you every time you call me. I will desert the whole world if need be and not think about it twice, to be with you. And you will break my heart again. And again and again. The power you have over me scares the shit out of me. Life wasn’t supposed to be this morbidly scary. You make me ache.

Every Night and every Morn

Some to Misery are born.

Every Morn and every Night

Some are born to Sweet Delight,

Some are born to Sweet Delight,

Some are born to Endless Night.

Colour me now, colour me pink

Colour me once and let it sink

Colour my smiles and my feminine wiles

Colour my giggles with the pink of your smiles

Colour me now, colour me red

Colour me some more until I've bled

Colour my pain, colour me sane

Colour my heart to beat once again

Colour me now, colour me blue

Colour me deep and let it be true

Colour my dreams and let them gleam

Colour my blues with the touch of your name

Colour me now, colour me white

Colour me soft and unleash me inside

Colour my quiet and make it bright

Colour my peace with a piece of your mind

Everything about me falls short. My efforts, my promises, my hopes, my dreams, my goals, my conquests, my commitments, my perseverance; everything. I have had my moments. Moments, where I have loved myself to the point of obsession. And moments when I have thought of one quick and fast end. But in the end my sense of self always overcame it. My conscience pulls me out of stupor everytime. Either through a strong dose of reality check or through someone’s smile.

“S” and I were talking about parallel universes today. Apparently there are 7 of them. That got me thinking. What do you suppose is happening between us in all the remaining six dimensions? Maybe in one we never met. Maybe in another one we are sworn enemies from the start. In another one maybe it was my parents who disapproved and it was me who broke your heart. Or maybe it was a mutual decision to separate and we still remained good friends without it been excruciatingly difficult for one of us to even breathe. Or in another one, I do go over the edge and end it all.

But I’d like to believe that there is one universe, one perfect little space-time continuum, where it all worked out, where your parents love me for who I am, where you didn’t have to choose between the love of your life and the people who made you who you are; one dimension which is as close to heaven as we could ever dream of it to be.

I’m so jealous of the “perfect dimension-Me”.

Stranded. That's all i feel right now. Stranded and blinded. No idea where to head from here. So I'll probably grapple at every other thing, at every other person; just to prove to myself that no, I have not been marooned alone in an island.

I really doubt it now; that if I had a time machine I would go back and do it all over again. Would I? I seriously don't know. Get me the time machine and we'll see. It has to be a spontaneous decision I guess. But the time machine, really need it.

I wish I was programmable.

Rage is addictive, you know. I guess its sorta like a drug. Anger and hatred get you high, but like any other addiction they hollow you out and tear you down and eat you alive.