Urrghhh…. My luck shouldn’t run out always. Why why WHY?? How would it friggin matter to you to give me a chance? I need it more than anybody else. I need it to the point of desperation that it’s become a matter of life and death to me now. I’m so fuckin’ sick of all of it. I swear I wanna end this saga now. I will end it, one way or the other. I don’t care how bloody frustrated I sound. It’s been just too-effing-long. There’s supposed to be a limit to everything for crying out loud, even to your cruelty. I keep on dreaming the same stuff over and over again. I want them to come true. They have to come true, so that I can build new castles in my air.

To top it all my jealousy is chewing me up completely from within. I wish I were “them”. I wish I had THIS life as easy as “they” did. No way have I screwed up that much that I deserve this. It’s like I messed around a li’l bit, then life, in its non-stop drive to have the last laugh, is messing me up a lot more. It’s like I slap a guy for not making a pass at me, and then he chops off my limbs. Wtf!!

Talk about feeling suicidal! That’s sorta my middle name now. Actually more like my first name. The only emotion I’m aware of in a strong way. What’s the point? Let’s take a short cut and make things better. Take the easier road. We all gotta go there in the end , right? The only reason I’m still holding on is curiosity. Let’s see how much further into hell I can make it.