Here's a thought

I resolve. Not to give enough time to a friend to cool down after a fight. You know why? ‘coz that’s probably like the biggest blunder you can make. Let him cool down, and his anger cools down with him. All the piss, all the hurt, all the pain cools down with him too. Cools down and solidifies to a huge rock-solid wall of grievances that even he doesn’t know exists. And you think both of your hearts can still connect over that wall? Well, think again; because they probably can’t even see each other. And that’s pretty much the end.
So that’s why I’m never gonna let “it” cool down. I’m gonna rage and storm and boil and steam it up to such a temperature that all the piss, all the hurt, all the pain just vaporizes and goes poof into the air. Forever. Never to come back again.
Yes. That’s a good plan.

For a while now I have been trying my hand at some really lame pieces of (what I call, but no other sane person on this earth would be agreeing) poetry. But other than coming up with barely a few lines that can be passed off as mediocre stuff I have been a bleeding disappointment to myself. Is this what I have been dreaming of leaving my would-be job, career, cosmopolitan life, for? Nothing too far-fetched; but right now I think I need a good hefty dose of some self-imposed introspection.

Firstly I think I lack what other and actual writers call, INSPIRATION. I cannot look at a dirty brown stone and come up with romantic bullshit. Maybe that’s the problem. I still take it all too lightly so maybe the lit-God is pissed with me. I should probably have orgasms every time you say Shakespeare or William Darcy. Anyway cutting out with the whole digressing thingy, I think I still need to fulfill few criterions. (Really silly and an unnecessary complication I think calling too many criterias “criterions”; I would personally prefer criterias)

I direly need an inspiration. I need Monalisa. I need Mt.Everest. But all I get in place of that is few seconds of pseudo-inspiration, which ultimately leads me to cheap plagiarism. I need to feel that awakening within me without any part of it sounding cheesy or a direct lift-off, which I’m hell-bound to say, is a quite a big issue for me.

Another question: I want to be a writer right? So what basically defines a writer? Is it someone who expresses what they feel without giving a shit about appreciations and what not? Or is it someone who writes to please, like J.K.Rowling. Fame comes only with the latter one. Do I want fame? Hell yes I do! Who doesn’t? Again it’s not the question of who else agrees or disagrees with me, but what agrees or disagrees with me. And with 100% honesty I accept the fact that fame is something that I want singularly, with my own individuality that calls out for attention. I would love the crowd to chant my name. So I have to give them something in return. I have to weave some magic for them. Like Harry Potter or Edward Cullen or Anne from the green gables maybe. But I basically am not that kind of person who can weave out plots n mysteries. Even if I could I wouldn’t be able to put it all down in black and white. I would mess it all up unbelievably. Specially the grammar. It wouldn’t wrong I’m pretty certain but it would be too lame to get the unputdownable quality that is so essential for anything that u want others to read, might be an article in the newspaper, or your recent blog update, or a new book. I’m not so sure I’m prepared or talented enough for that kind of achievement. I wish my mind was a magnet and my thoughts were tiny iron fillings. That ways, they would stick to my mind long enough to be let loose smoothly.

Oh well.. I guess I'll give it another chance again. Like I knew I would.

I feel at home with pain. Happiness is such a stranger. Even after 3 years of marriage with it….. I feel I hardly know it.

:(

I was hurt. So I tried to pass off some of my pain to you. But then you passed it all right back to me. And now I’m doubly hurt.

What’s wrong with me? I’m supposed to hate you, for God’s sake! I’m supposed to feel all the pent-up anger that your behavior and arrogance and selfishness had brought into me. But here I am wishing away that you were with me at the parlour today. Whenever I get a piece of juicy gossip, you are the first person I wanna share it with. Whenever I look at my eyebrows and decide that they need to be trimmed, you are the one I think of. Whenever I see a mirror, I see you posing in front of it. Whenever I see a cute guy, I feel like “beeping”, but then I realize what’s the use coz nobody else will get the point. And even if they do, they won’t appreciate the cute point =P.

You know that feeling? When you have known something (say, yourself) and suddenly that something changes. You are not that anymore. I guess this is how superman felt when he discovered his powers.

I still cant get over that look. When he said bye. He never says too much. No emotional fuckwittage. It was something that fleeted across his face for a second. Something that he suppressed almost immediately. Something that said five more minutes.

Wish I could give you all the five minutes of my life hon. You deserve that and so much more.